GUY/GAL RELATIONSHIPS (Sex, Dating, and Courtship)
Prayer: True to scripture and thus honoring to God,
Motivated by love w/o condemnation,
Freeing, uplifting, encouraging – not bondage and legalism,
Receptive minds and hearts eager to do Your will.
INTRODUCTION:
This is THE one subject just about everyone finds interesting and quite possibly the area that we tend to protect and defend ourselves the most. Many of you at the first point of disagreement will want to shut me out. Please don’t. Hear what I have to say, evaluate it, and as Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, ‘hold fast to the good, and throw away what you hold up to the scriptures and conclude is bad’. My objective for this time is to help you understand why you do what you do in this vital area of relationships and have a Biblical basis for it.
The Bible has a lot to say about friendships. It has even more to say about marriage. And I’m sure you’ve observed enough marriages to know that marriage can either be the closest thing to heaven on earth or the closest thing to hell on earth. It’s got the potential to go either way. What you may not have gathered by observation is that what you do right now as a single person, the beliefs you form, the way you view and relate to the opposite sex are laying the foundation on which your marriage will be built. Are you laying the foundation for God’s best in your marriage?
Reasons for this instruction:
- For the glory of God – 1 Cor. 10:31 Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
- Your own personal survival and fulfillment. Deut. 6:24 “So the Lord commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God for our good always and for our survival, as it is today.
- The survival of your friends and those whom you influence with your life. Most Christian young people are actually a stumbling block to their non-Christian friends by the way they live in this area. Ps. 1:1
- Your children’s survival and fulfillment. Believe me, this is one area that’s obvious that the sins of fathers are passed down to their children.
God does not give commands to limit our freedom and make us miserable. The commands are for our good. They give us life and freedom.
Psalm 19:7-11
The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul;
The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether.
They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them Thy servant is warned;
In keeping them there is great reward.
The world defines freedom as no restraint on following basic urges and simply doing whatever we want. Illus. Fish in a fishbowl desiring the ‘freedom’ he observes of those on the outside. Jumps out of the bowl to his death. He was not designed to live in that environment. Proverbs 16:25
Format: – Biblical principles establishing guidelines for friendships, sexuality, relationships with the opposite sex, and marriage.
- Wisdom applications.
- Questions/discussion.
I purposely endeavor to present to you the ideal. God’s standard if you will. Strive for the ideal, God’s best. If you will be content with mediocrity, you’re on a slippery slope. Your standards are in the process of being lowered.
RELATIONSHIP CONTINUUM (addressing primarily relating to the opposite sex)
Stranger – Acquaintance – Casual Friend – Special Friend – Close Friend – Courtship (Pre-engagement/Engagement) – Marriage
Attraction (physical, emotional, mental, etc.) can come (and go) anywhere along the line. What do you do with it? We’ll talk about that in a little while.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES:
A. Matthew 22:36-40 The Great Commandment
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, ” ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
From this passage we understand two things that should govern all that we do.
- Does it glorify God? I Cor. 10:31 … do all to the glory of God.
- Does it minister to people? Edify, build up, encourage, others focused vs. self.
Right away we’re talking about the Lordship of Christ in our relationships. It’s the difference between asking, “What’s wrong with it?” to asking the question “What’s right with it?” It’s the difference between seeing how close you can get to the edge and not fall off and determining how close do you have to get to the edge in order to get the job done.
Some of you have fallen off and are bruised, broken and scarred. Some of you have stayed so far away from the edge that you’ve avoided relationship. Neither glorifies God.
B. Genesis 1:26-27
Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Implications:
- God created us so He knows what’s best for us, how we are made to function (needs, capacities, capabilities, propensities, weaknesses, etc.) He’s the One who knows what LIFE (vs. physical existence) is all about, and what must happen for us to have REAL life. (Life is our highest potential, the fullest experience and expression of our personhood.)
- God created us, therefore He owns us and has the right, and in fact the responsibility, to tell us what to do.
- The worth and dignity of a person comes from the simple fact that he/she is made in God’s image. The worth of an individual is NOT based on what they can do, how nice they are to be with, how pleasing they are to look at.
- Particularly among believers and being made in the image of God, there is a part of Christ within that may not be known without relationship with one another. I Cor. 12:12-27
- Dan Allender points out that to be made in the image of God means we are built with the capacity, and longing for deep and meaningful relationship – social; the ability to choose – volition; the ability to reason – rational; the ability to feel – emotional.
“God is a personal and relational being. Man is like God in that he was made to be in relationship with God and God’s creation. God has designed man to enjoy intimacy, to deeply desire to be known and to know. Also built into every person by design is the capacity and passion to have impact, to influence another person because of our presence.” Dan Allender – The Wounded Heart p. 43
A central part of deep and meaningful relationship is the security of being loved unconditionally by someone and making impact, being significant, having worth and value, being needed, important. Are these needs met in finding a close friend or the right mate? NO. These needs and longings can only be satisfied when we have vital and full relationship with God. John 10:10; John 14:67; John 17:3
- God created us male and female. Men and women are different. Different is not unequal, less/greater value, inferior/superior but just different. This means life will not be realized by competing with one another, trying to be like the other, envying one another, etc. We are made differently because we have different roles and responsibilities.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION: Let me make some suggestions here regarding the left side of the relationship line and just making friends.
Some of the things required in making good friends are:
a. Desire to get acquainted and make friends. Is it worth it? Yes, since they are made in the image of God, every person is important.
- -value people
- -manners/courtesy
- -remember names
- -ask questions with genuine interest as well as share from your own life & interests (FOR – family, occupation, religion)
b. Die to self. It is often personal fears and concern for self and desire for comfort that get in the way. Forget about yourself and get to know that person. This also includes accepting yourself as God made you. Let me ask you a question, if you had the power to change anything about yourself, would you use it?
Now think of that something you would like to change. Is it humanly changeable and reasonable to do so? Then change it. If it is an element of God’s design and unchangeable, accept it as God’s unique creation.
c. Conversation. Relationship will require some kind of communication. The Bible gives several guidelines to conversation.
I Tim. 5:1,2 appeal to others as father, brother, mother, sister in all purity.
Matt. 12:35-37 … we must give an account of every idle word.
Eph. 4:29 no unwholesome word, but only that which edifies and gives grace.
Col. 3:8 .. no filthy communication
Col. 4:6 always with grace and seasoned with salt.
So get the focus off of yourself and personal discomfort and get to know someone.
On the other side of the coin is the danger of over familiarization.
Some cautions in the area of friendships, proper selection is very important. I Cor. 15:33 Do not be deceive, bad company corrupts good morals.
From Proverbs:
Avoid corrupt companions. 13:20 (companion of fools suffer harm); 14:7 (go … when you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge); 29:27 (unjust man is an abomination to the righteous…)
Avoid flatterers. 20:19 (do not associate with one who flatterers…)
Avoid gluttons (no self control). 28:7 (companion of gluttons shames his father)
Avoid harlots. 29:3 and others
Avoid Rebels. 24:21-22 (do not associate with those given to change [for change sake]
Avoid thieves. 29:24 (a partner with a thief hates his own life…)
We could go over much more instruction regarding choice of friends.
Now consider some principles that could apply to friendships leading up to dating relationships.
C. Genesis 2:18-25
IMPLICATIONS:
- God made woman from man and designed her to be a suitable helper for man. Life for a married woman is found in fulfilling her created purpose of being a helper for the man. That is not a lesser position, it’s not a place of punishment, actually it is a position of greater power.
- God made woman from man by taking a rib from his side and making a woman. Besides emphasizing woman’s position of helpmate for man, it implies the man is incomplete without the woman. A married man is incomplete without his wife. Without her he doesn’t have all his bones and flesh for she is ‘bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh’.
- God’s design was marriage between 1 man and 1 woman for life. The two actually become one ie. A team, complementing one another, working in harmony and unity to accomplish the tasks He created man to do – be a caretaker and fill the earth with people.
Another way to say this is God created man to be a one-woman-man and women to be a one-man-woman. Genuine life is found only in living out our created purpose of relationship with God and ruling His creation and filling the earth.
- Marriage oneness is oneness of body, soul, and spirit. Physical oneness only is at the animal level of existence. We were created to experience much more. Relationship on the physical level is always limited because the physical is limited and in fact is decaying. Without soul and spirit oneness, a marriage is doomed to decay. It’s our inner person (spec. soul) that is renewed day by day when we’re united with Christ. II Cor. 4:16
Body oneness is achieved by sexual intercourse whether the couple is married or not. When a physical union takes place, it establishes a mystical bond that remains the rest of life.
1 Cor. 6:16 Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, “The two will become one flesh.”
God specifically prohibits sexual intercourse outside of marriage – “Thou shalt not commit adultery” – because two are to become one, not 3, 5, or 9. If a person indulges in sex outside of marriage, they go into marriage fractured. They are not all there to give. That person can no longer give all of themselves because they’ve already given part of themselves to another.
D. Genesis 3
IMPLICATIONS:
- As a result of the fall, all of creation was cursed. Man and woman experienced shame and fear and then separation from God – immediate spiritual death and the beginning of the process of physical death, pain in childbirth and futility in their work.
- Genesis 3:16 To the woman He said, ….Yet your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” This word for desire is used only 3 times in the O.T.; here and again in 4:7 and Song of Solomon 7:10 where the woman says her beloved’s desire is for her. I believe the key to understanding is its usage in Gen. 4:7 where desire has the meaning of controlling or ruling or using or manipulating. I believe that part of the curse of sin was now a desire to be independent of authority and in control of her own life, and yet her husband is to rule over her. There is a built-in conflict.
Satan wanted to be like God. And since he couldn’t create and give life he wants to destroy what God has created and counterfeit life. So he’s out to destroy our bodies, counterfeit meaningful relationships and certainly destroy marital oneness. John 10:10
E. God describes His relationship with His chosen people, Israel, as a marriage. Christ describes His relationship with the church as a marriage. A goal of marriage is to give the world a picture or illustration of this relationship, put flesh on it. (Eph. 5; Hosea)
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS: (wisdom)
Here is where there is a lot of latitude and variation. But make your goal wise application of the above principles.
Let’s evaluate the typical pattern of dating in our culture.
Boy meets girl. There’s a built in attraction that overrides any negatives. They begin to date. Dating happens in the first several phases of relationship and then changes to courtship at the pre-engagement point.
Why do they begin to date in our culture?
- Peer pressure. Everyone’s doing it. Don’t be weird.
- Parental pressure. “Who are you dating? Got anyone on the string?”
Parents want to know you’re ‘normal’.
Parents want their friends to know you’re normal.
They are afraid their teaching in sexual and social ed. was lacking and want you to ‘pick it up’ somehow.
3. Meet basic needs. Security needs – we were made for intimate relationship. We long to love and be loved, to know and be known. Significance needs – we long to make impact, to be needed, essential, important, make a difference in someone’s life.
For younger kids, this motivation is so obvious. It’s like thumb sucking or a security blanket. Of course they can’t do this in Jr. high so they go steady instead. Of course as we get older, we get more sophisticated in our manipulations of one another for these purposes so it’s not quite so obvious.
4. Ego gratification. The thing that brought about the fall of man in the first place, the desire to be in control, to conquer, to be at the top.
5. Commercial pressure. Advertisers figured out long ago that promoting dating increases their market.
6. Looking for a life partner. Most of the time this one is no different than #3. People go into marriage looking for the answer to their own needs. Even with right motives, seeking a mate does not fit under dating, but what I call courting.
All of the above reasons are wrong reasons to date. God did not create people to be manipulated and used by one another. And the essence of idolatry is to look to someone or something else to meet a need that only God can meet.
Dating as we know it, is not mentioned or practiced in the Bible that I know of. That’s not to say dating is wrong if practiced within the guidelines. It would suggest that it’s not really necessary. Let’s define it.
Dating – Webster – an appointment with someone to do something, usually with the opposite sex.
We could say it’s going somewhere to do something. It’s an activity, an event.
What should be the objective? To just have fun. You might include developing friendships and growing in social grace and poise, but essentially it’s just have fun.
(An objective of sexual stimulus and familiarization is wrong. That’s satan’s counterfeit to meaningful relationships.)
What does dating cost? Time, money, emotional energy
Unwise dating in the wrong way costs much more. This is particularly true for younger people and those going steady.
- Too much peer input Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.
This is particularly true if they are wrong friends. 1 Cor. 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
- Entrapment. Trapped in a relationship you don’t know how to leave.
- Stunted emotional and social growth.
- Sexual involvement.
-Emotional trauma and associated scars
-Destruction of the foundation of future trust and marriage.
-Law of diminishing returns that leads to loss of virginity and purity and resulting in a mystcal bond to a stranger for life. 1 Cor. 6:16
- Marriage to the wrong partner. You say, can 2 Christians marry each other and it be the wrong one? Absolutely
How do you date?
- Have fun as your objective.
- Keep your expectations at this level – fun.
- Have guidelines. If your objective is just fun, why not go in a group.
a) Don’t date 1 on 1, go in a group that’s not paired up (odd number) and preferably a group where your philosophy of dating carries a majority, and in which the constituency changes from one outing to the next. (this takes the emotional pressure off, more objectivity, not as much trying to read between the lines.)
b) Generally keep it short. 3-5 hours
c) Have accountability with someone. What did you say? ‘Where did you go? What did you do?
Safeguards: Remember that I’m suggesting these for the purpose of helping keep a commitment to God’s design of being a one-man-woman and a one-woman-man.
- Do not defraud. I Thess. 4:3-8 The word here for defraud is pleonekteo and literally means to seek to get more, to take advantage of. It’s arousing desires in another that you can not righteously justify and fulfill. I Timothy 5:2 .. treat each other as brother and sister.
What are some ways we can work to avoid defrauding one another?
- Girls: dress in such a way that attention is drawn to your face. God’s glory and inward beauty is communicated in your face and eyes. (things that draw attention – bare skin, tight fitting, writing, flashy things, etc.)
- Guys: keep your eyes focused above the shoulders and below the knees. Job 31:1 otherwise you defraud yourself.
- Words: do not defraud with words that tend to turn you on, deceitful flattery, etc.
- Touch: no prolonged touching, ie. Holding hands, kissing, arms around each other, etc. 1 Cor. 7:1 … it is good for a man not to touch a woman. (Question: how does prolonged touching help toward the objective of just to have fun? It tends to confuse and complicate the relationship.)
2. Make no provision for the flesh with regards to its lusts. Rom. 13:14
- Lights on. John 3:19-21
- Public places.
- Keep departures short and sweet. (You say, hey a kiss is customary and doesn’t really mean anything anyway. If it doesn’t mean anything, why do it? If it’s just the same, why not shake hands, or punch her on the shoulder, slap on the back, etc.)
3. Words in a positive sense. Learn to communicate with words. Guys, you must learn to be complimentary and tender with words, and not short circuit communication with touch. Girls, you’re shortchanging yourself when you allow a guy to say with touch what he’s not tried to say with words. Marriage will not give a guy a vocabulary and cause him to speak tenderly. Prov. 20:5 A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.
Basically you want to be able to look each other in the eye and know you’ve treated each other honorably, and not tried to take something that doesn’t belong to you. Another way of saying it to you guys is, “How do you want guys to be treating the girl who is to become your wife?” Gals, how do you want gals relating to the one who is to become your husband? Treat each other as someone else’s future husband or wife.
4. Virginity is a virtue that is to be treasured dearly. Marriage is built on trust. What greater trust can you bring into the marriage than to be able to say, “You’re the only one. I’ve saved myself for you alone.” What greater treasure can you give than your whole self, a pure self? You can only give away your virginity once. Why not save it for the one you’re committed to spending the rest of your life with?
Just about everything you watch for entertainment, today’s advertising, your peers, our society and education mock this and undermine the value of your virginity. Many kids today seem to be out to see how fast they can give it away. That is part of satan’s attack on God’s creation.
Remember that the way you relate to the opposite sex today has everything to do with the building blocks of your future marriage.
What do you do when you’re very attracted to someone?
CONTROL IT. You must exercise self control. II Tim. 1:7; Gal. 5:23
Pray about it. Phil. 4:6,7
Talk to your parent or spiritual leader about it. Remain as objective as possible.
Evaluate it. Are you ready for marriage? If not, this is not the right time regardless of whether it’s the right one. You must wait on God’s timing as well as His choosing.
Give it to God. Once an ‘interest’ is communicated verbally or nonverbally or via another person or however, that friendship will not remain the same. SAY NOTHING.
In our society, the common practice is to get engaged to someone to see if you really want to marry. Let me suggest that should be done prior to engagement during what I call courtship.
COURTSHIP is going somewhere with someone, a process.
The objective of courtship is to get to know a person and their family better and to determine whether or not to marry. In terms of relationship, it is growing in spirit and soul oneness.
Let me emphasize that during this time you want to get to know the family. Marriage is not just bringing two people together, it’s bringing two families together.
The guidelines for courting are the same as for dating except that you now need one on one time for deeper communication. You still limit the time. The driving motivation for a follower of Christ should be Him first. Matt. 6:33 Courting is not your only nor even major pursuit.
Keep the same safeguards, remembering your commitment to be a one-man-woman and a one-woman-man. She or he may not be the one God has for you.
- in the area of words, this is still not the time to talk about marriage. You obviously cannot keep yourself from thinking about it, nor do you want to. But the relationship is not at the point where it’s being talked about.
When do you begin courtship?
- When you’re ready for marriage.
- When you know what you’re looking for in a mate.
When are you ready for marriage?
- You understand and are ready to assume the roles and routines of marriage.
- You are ready to embrace the responsibility of providing for your partner physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
- You have a reasonable handle on what you want to do in life.
- You are ready to embrace the responsibility of children. It’s through children (physical or spiritual) that we begin to accomplish our God given task.
How do you decide what you’re looking for?
- a believer with the same commitment to Scripture, God’s authority, and seeking God’s best. II Cor. 6:14 (how can you have spirit oneness with someone the Bible says is spiritually dead?)
- Guy: a helpmate for God’s calling on your life.
- Gal: a spiritual leader who loves like Christ.
- Teachable and knows how to live under authority.
- Character qualities – consult your parents, mentors and those close to you.
When you’ve gotten confirmation that he/she’s the one…. Engagement.
I strongly recommend accountability and counsel during the courtship and engagement.
Prior Sexual Failure –
Genuine repentance Prov. 28:13 … find compassion
Determine to exercise self control and be pure from this point forward. Begin now laying a good foundation for marriage.
GRACE I John 1:9 Claim the blood of Christ over every area.
Can you trust God to give you a mate?
Gen. 2:18- God is the one who said “it’s not good for a man to be alone.”
God is the one who designed and instituted marriage.
Is. 30:18 The Lord longs to be gracious to you & waits on high to have …
Ps. 84:11 …. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Matt. 6:33 Jas. 1:16, 17